on living and funerals
a large chunk of my thoughts and maybe intentions in doing things lead me to what would my funeral service be like.
if i do task "a" and maintain a network within circle "a", then a part of my three-day wake would be dedicated to remembering my contributions to "a".
but if i don't and simply be surrounded by the same people i've known and depend on my relatives, i'll just have a regular wake.
in living and in dying, i've been conditioned to want things to be special, for people to think, ~whoa this person led a _____ life.
it surprises me that i've taken this pattern of thought so seriously. in reality, observing past wakes of friends and acquiantances, people will remember you in whatever way they choose. many do so in a way that sublty increases their own involvement in your life, even if you think otherwise. people will grieve in a way that soothes them, because they're the ones who have to continue living while you've passed away.
where am i getting at? i'm not yet sure. i just want to stop obsessing making my funeral the reason why i do things.
i've been trying to understand what this nagging feeling is i have inside of me. there's something i know for sure that i'm supposed to do. something that is of ease to me to do. i don't know what it is yet, which is the problem. it makes me double-think if what i'm feeling is real or am i just unable to adapt and adjust to what is immediately around me and accept this life i'm living. i recently thought, why am i so greedy for experiences, but i'm unable to live through the life i have now.
right now, i don't know. hopefully redirecting my intentions from having an unforgettable funeral service to something else might help illuminate the path that i'm on.