is anyone speaking to me?
a few days or maybe hours I blogged about my thoughts and intentions are driven by what my funeral would be like, Thich Nach Hanh passed away and his short poem landed in my view. it was the most humbling take i had ever read on being remembered after death, the complete opposite of what i had been so worried about.
i'm on a cloud and i don't know where i came from, i don't understand what things i had to go through to where i am now, to where i'm going. i just know i don't want to do anything. or i'm not doing what i'm supposed to be so my body isn't responding so well to the tasks ahead of me.
and i keep pushing myself down, thinking other people press on despite their conditions, why can' i?
people are reaching out to me, are saying things to me, are showing signs of endearment about my presence in their lives but nothing is getting to me. i don't miss any of my friends. instead i feel resentment, jealousy, exhaustion. i wonder why that is.
am i not asking for what i want? is it really true that i don't know what i want?