coming home, a little different
i would regularly think i was a 'weak adult' for traveling home to my parents at least once a year since 2017.
each time, i would do so with the intent to escape from city life, to detox from social media, to hide yet knowing in a month or two, i'd need to reappear again but when i do so, i'd better have my shit together and have a plan moving forward.
this is the first time i came home with a heightened awareness of my anxiety and a resolution in me to work to change things. i still feel like i'm here as an escape, and i still know that in a few months time i'd be leaving again. it crossed my mind this morning though that this time around, i feel like my past reasons for coming home are beyond me, and i'm just living. i don't have no plans on appearing put together when i get back, and i don't have any plans in general when i get back.
it's such a feat for me right not to feel and think a lot less, allow my mind to rest and let my guard down. since late last year, i feel i'm being guided to let loose moving forward. it doesn't sound like a productive plan, but it sounds a lot like something my body and my mind need in order to become productive again, productive in a sense that won't traumatize me.
i feel good that things don't bother me as much as they used to and it's one of things that you just know you had to go through in order to understand. you just have to live through things.