bus rides, escaping pressure and shame
i watched crulic - a path beyond freedom after my friend kept reminding me to watch it, assuring me there's something we can pick up for a film we're working on. the film cleverly presented a story of injustice and the life of an innocent young man through animation. the animation was a mixture of archival photos, stop motion, and rotoscope. i'm glad i watched it.
by far, it was the part when crulic described his life as like riding a bus,
"my life, its like riding a bus. i get on the bus, it starts, i arrive, get down, i'm staying a couple of days and then i start again."
pressure arrives in my body every time i feel like my life has to mean so much to someone or to some great cause. each time this feeling settles itself in my mind, it's hard to find a resolution because i relate so much to that line, that life as like a bus ride. how is a fleeting life ever going to mean so much to anybody?
i tried looking back at past works i made and all of a sudden, the pressure is replaced by shame. shame at what i've made and the courage i had to make things. shame at unconsciously taking on other people's narratives as if they were my own in hopes that the shame would go away if others could connect with me through a projection i have of them.
if i could get on the bus again to i can leave this period of shame and anxiety and move onto my next destination.